War!
Today the world's most popular team sport,
war started its career in petty fashion.
Guts spilled, heads rolled,
but people kept on fighting.
A few thousand years passed in local squabbles of no consequence.
Then with History came Progress: flint, projectiles,
and, finally, gun powder. ln other words artillery.
That's when things got serious.
Modern weapons were deadlier and shot farther.
Leaders could now declare war
yet keep their distance.
Which didn't help their understanding of events.
Those men there, Marshal... are they ours?
- Where, Sire? - ln red.
- Green silks? - Yellow silks.
Yellow Hanoverians.D4
- Enemy. - Of course.
So green silks are...
- Our lrish friends. - Of course. Friends from lreland.
Greeks!
Scots. The MacGregor clan. Enemy.
Ah yes, Gregor! Bad enemy.
So where are our colors? How are our colors?
- Flying, Sire. - Blue still dominant?
Yes, Sire. Royal blue on blue. Superior to Prussian blue.
Blue skies would help.
What now, Chaplain?
Would Your Majesty deign
- to bless my medals? - And His Grace's blessing?
- A king beats a bishop. - They'll sell for more,
you scoundrel.
Free, they'd have no value.
Our men!
l recognize them.
- Aquitaine! - Picardy.
Not bad, either.
And there? Don't tell me.
- Champagne? - Almost, Sire. Roussillon.
Have this cleaned. lt clouds everything.
And them?
l have no idea.
- What's this... - lt's nothing.
lt happens.
As Tacitus says: Victory has its share of mystery.
- Fine words. - Very fine
Can anyone remind me, in simple terms, how this war got started
Mr. de Chaville is our memory.
Good old Chaville. Summon him to my tent.
What graceful music.
l need a battle hymn. l've launched a contest.
Excellent! Our men mustn't die unaccompanied.
But this melody lacks muscle.
lndeed! Stop!
Find me something with muscle!
We mustn't keep Chaville waiting.
How it all began? lt's simple...
l've lost the thread a bit.
Family business. A succession!
lt started there.
Austria. The death of Charles...
Don't ask what number... He dies.
His daughter, Marie-something...
Marie-Therese?
What's it succeeds.
The neighbors howl Prussia, Bavaria, Saxony. Even Spain.
And we... l mean you,
Your Majesty...
We back Saxony.
Who are we backing?
- Bavaria? - That's it!
Bravo, dear Louis!
So we back Bavaria against Therese-what's it.
And, suddenly, those beastly English step in.
So the lrish come to our aid.
- Green silks? - Quite!
Fortunately,
Prussia joins the fray. Diversions, feints,
flanking moves.
We can relax!
- Who's there? - What next?
So that's where we stand.
That's where we stand.
- ls it clear now? - Totally.
l wouldn't mind a cup of chocolate. lt helps me concentrate.
One more thing, Marshal.
Their numbers?
My spies have precise information.
Last night, we were faced
with 50,77 4 combatants on foot and horseback.
Far too many!
How dare they! And ourselves?
46,962, Sire.
- Not bad. - Plus camp followers.
46,000, you say?
- And 962. - Round that off for me.
47,000.
A lucky number!
Our recruiters have worked months...
That makes 38 volunteers to find.
My purse!
That ought to buy you
38 breasts to bleed for their King.
Or must l offer my own?
Recruiters! Urgent!
The King offers you two extra pistoles per head...
lf you sign up by noon.
Only 28 vacancies! So make up your minds. But fast!
Aquitaine! The finest regiment in the army.
Admire this uniform!
Tricorne. Gaiters. Belt.
Shoulder belt. Epaulettes. Shoulder braids. Stripes.
There's your due: Uniform, room and board, and adventure!
- And danger! - That's the officers' lot.
You get the pleasure of forcing
the enemy's farms, their cellars, their women!
Come on now!
The first to raise a hand... 3 pistoles!
Him!
Off to glory with him!
lsn't this nice? Under God's roof?
We're doing no harm.
Are you mad? You almost killed your daughter!
Aren't you ashamed?
- Us? - He's not ashamed!
Why? She didn't know her own beauty. l taught her.
Enough tricks!
- Button up! - l'm sugar and honey with your women.
Women?
- Her mother? - Bastard!
- Her aunt... - My wife!
To each his duty: The army depopulates, l repopulate.
Catch him!
- We came for the sergeant's fiancée. - Later.
Welcome!
Don't arrest them. lt's hot, they're drunk, l'm charming.
Wipe the slate clean.
He raped my daughter! Even if she consented!
- He'll marry her! - Never. lt's unfair to other women.
We'll run you through.
l neither marry nor fight.
And you won't run me through.
- Not much in your pants! - Too much or not enough?
Make him fight!
My fencing masters
taught me all their secrets.
We'll teach you ours!
Since you insist,
l agree to give a lesson
for jackasses and gendarmes.
First control your temper. A hot head gets muddled.
A cool head sets things right.
A deep breath...
Chest out...
Then relax.
And step back. Again! And again!
Anger weakens, gentlemen!
You squint, falter, hate blinds you.
You rush forward.
Very poor!
Without a clear head,
no sense of distance.
You're too far...
or too near. Not to mention your inelegance.
No style. You're awful!
lf you want to die, do it gracefully.
A fencer is a dancer, a duelist, an artist.
Foot!
Nose!
Or ass!
My dear cuckolds,
l bid you good evening.
We have him.
- He jumps, he drowns. He doesn't... - We push him.
Poor fella. What a way to go!
To swallow that tasteless stuff!
You see what l see?
Make way! Coming through!
Move aside!
Will the bride soon be ready?
He's dried off.
Hurry! Before the priest gets too drunk.
There's no rush.
Don't waste your breath. You're getting married.
- The rites will be null. - They'll be valid, all right.
- You're engaged to me. - And me!
To all of you. Which exempts me from my word.
Had l kept my word to the first,
l wouldn't know you all.
No one will have you!
- Stop it, goose. - You see, she's weeping.
Weeping for joy.
You're mistaken. l'm an expert in female tears.
l've seen Lison weep for joy...
Get moving!
Only six more. 30 minutes to go.
You've taken cripples, drunks and simpletons.
Where will you get the rest?
lf the King exiles me, you're good for the galleys.
That won't do.
lt's better, but it won't do.
The King wants muscle. Give him muscle.
Saved, sir!
The noble Aquitaine regiment, pride of our invincible army!
Over here!
Where are you going?
19 minutes left, sergeant. 19 minutes to the galleys.
Father! lt's for a wedding!
l know where he is!
Later. There's a wedding.
But not like this.
We need banns and announcements.
No, just fiancés and a priest.
- l can't! - Yes, you can!
Or else...
Lord! Where did that come from?
lt was left here. l never drink.
- And this? - Someone found it.
And l know on whom. The widow told me.
Righteous gossip!
Choose Marry my daughter or the bishop hears.
Since l have a choice...
Out of my sight!
Come back when you have a military ear.
- Where are they from? - The hospice.
- Honestly... - A brush, schnapps and forward march!
Welcome, children.
We have them all. Let's go home.
- We're one short. - How's that?
The 7 pilgrims made 27. The 3 deaf-mutes 30.
Plus the dwarf, the Belgian, the 5 centenarians...
We're one short.
The parish registry.
The cruets...
The missal... l don't have the missal!
So then...
We will proceed.
First the names.
Lison. Daughter of Guillaume du Moulin, myself,
and Perrine du Bois Croisé.
- Fanfan. - Fanfan what?
l don't know.
- Born where? - Don't remember.
- To whom? - lt's a mystery.
No where, when or who...
You're right null!
Yes, l think so!
A keg of plum brandy.
Raspberry liqueur!
Write down...
Fanfan. 5 ft. 6 in.
Born in Paris... Bells!
Not so fast!
You might at least ask if she and l consent.
That's a minumum.
But quick!
Lison, do you take as your husband
Fanfan no-name?
l do, of course.
You, Fanfan, do you take as your wife Lison?
Can't you speak up?
Never!
Don't let him get out!
Catch him!
You let him get away! Follow me!
What brings you?
- Father... - My child...
- l'm not your child. - Nor l, your father.
- Who are you? - Adeline.
Charming name. So?
lt's complicated.
- Go ahead. - They want to marry me off.
- You, too? And you refuse? - Yes. He's a drill sergeant.
So you're the one?
l won't be sold like some merchandise.
Who wants to sell you?
My father... My uncle.
Not even, but he raised me like a father.
What about you?
They want to force me into a marriage, too.
Whatever my future is, l'll stay free.
- Give me your hand. - No one gets my hand...
l read palms.
l can tell your future.
lf l have one.
Long life, wealth, love.
Really?
That's what l see.
Soft hand, idle hand.
But you'll be famous.
- Wealth? - Tremendous.
Some kind of general.
An officer, anyway. Powerful.
You sure you didn't skip a line?
Absolutely certain.
What now?
There's something else, much more important
than the rest.
- l can't... - Tell me! What can be more important?
Love line.
lt's a subject l have some notions about.
Not about what awaits you.
Marvelous...
The soldier meets
a lovely person he didn't know this morning his dream woman.
- Didn't know this morning? - Right.
l see happiness. Heaven. Flowers. Fleur-de-lis.
- Forests. Hunts. - Chateaux?
Lots of chateaux!
- Mine? - Your wife's.
- l'm not ready... - You will be. She's of royal blood.
- A queen for me? - A princess, at least.
The King's daughter?
The confessional...
Tell me the rest.
l've lost the thread. Later...
But remember soldier, first. Then the princess.
- He's in there! - Tramp!
Catch him!
And for last recruit: the bonus, plus 5 pistoles!
Plus 3 weeks of double rations!
Plus special leave at Christmas, Easter,
and St. Louis's Day!
Plus a summer uniform and embroidered hankies!
l can't do better...
20 seconds...
20 seconds more...
Could l read in bed at night, sir?
All night long! 10 seconds...
9, 8,
7, 6, 5...
Last and final place...
Count me in!
Your hand! That does it!
There's always the waiting list.
- He's ours! - My fiancé!
- What's this... - Beware, they're angry.
l'll break your neck!
lnsulting a King's soldier?
lsn't a king's soldier like the King himself?
That nitwit has to marry my daughter.
After the Seven Years War. 4 down, 3 to go.
lf Lison stays a maiden, l'll geld you!
Don't worry, Lison.
You'll find a suitor.
Hands up, candidates!
Your father scares them. You gave me pleasure.
l'll give you a dowry.
Whoever gets the purse gets the girl!
Go on!
ls that the suit?
That color?
Sorry, sergeant. My colors are yellow and orange.
Another time!
No, you don't!
My future's the King's army,
but somewhere else. Picardy, maybe. l'll see.
But Aquitaine, forget it!
- Aren't you ashamed? - A little, not much.
Help me. l'll give you absolution.
You, first.
Be nice. lt hurts.
l hate that!
- They're so rude! - l agree. Untie me.
l love hands.
She promises the moon.
Exactly. The moon's very good for you.
lt protects you
from keeping bad company.
Her uncle pays her.
- A pistole per recruit. - l'm different.
The army's the start for me.
l don't see anything.
That fool distracted me.
Tell me the rest.
The spell's broken.
l'll tell you the rest.
After some heroism, you become general.
Then you meet a pretty girl,
whom you marry.
Then you find out she's the King's daughter.
The King's daughter!
Then take her to the chapel. The rest on delivery.
She must be intact. No blood.
What if they resist?
Kill them all. No witnesses.
Here they come!
- What is it? - Trouble.
Don't worry. Our men will chase them away.
Any of you for a cuddle?
Don't be vulgar. Some dedication, Wanda!
You're not paid to suck candies.
Hear that?
A woman's being attacked! Untie me quick!
- To get yourself killed? - Untie me!
- Still don't hear anything? - Nothing.
Not a thing.
Maybe children playing cops and robbers.
Let me go!
Forgive their rudeness, madam.
No need to stand on ceremony.
Name your price. l have jewels.
That one will do.
You cads!
Attacking defenseless women!
l'll teach you about life...
and death!
You're all worthless!
You, l know, but them?
A pack of cowards!
The best decisions are those long pondered.
We watch and listen. Like at a play.
Be right back!
l know all the tricks!
All the thrusts.
Complete catalogue:
The Athos thrust!
The Aramis thrust!
The Porthos thrust!
No bravery?
There's bravery, rashness, subterfuge, strategy,
and military stupidity.
The nuances are infinite.
Get up! You killed 3 of my men, wounded 6.
l did my best.
Shall we?
- Fine blade! - So are you.
Let's band together.
- Quarter of the take for you, pal. - Too bad.
l was about to accept, and you get familiar.
That's something l hate,
like bandits, thieves and pompous asses.
That wasn't nice!
l'm not with them.
l was picking mushrooms. The screams scared me.
lt's worth a fortune.
The gun just went off.
- What more do you want? - To know...
You shouldn't have.
l had faith in the boy.
l couldn't deprive him of some glory.
Let her get away and it's the clink!
lt's over, child. This young man saved us.
Button up, Wanda!
People are looking.
You were admirable, sir.
Your men are as cowardly as our valets.
Our poor coach!
- Such a vulgar sight! - You're forgiven.
Aren't those fleurs-de-lis?
Yes, the motif is quite fashionable.
- We haven't met before? - We hadn't this honor.
This is incredible!
lt was foretold: the meeting, the flowers...
Own a chateau?
The child's nanny. A Pole.
- Can l see? - We took a vow. We're expected.
What's her name?
- The child must have a name? - Certainly. And your own?
- Fanfan what? - Just plain Fanfan.
Charming. l'll remember it.
lf l can ever be of help...
Kindly step up.
Sergeant La Franchise.
lf you have contacts...
Honesty and courage don't get you far without a recommendation.
Monsieur Fanfan, come here.
A reward for your courage.
- Fleur-de-lys? - A tulip, to baptize you.
Fanfan becomes Fanfan-la-Tulipe.
One pile for the dead, one for the dying!
lt all came true the soldiers, the meeting, the fleur-de-lis!
But it's just a yarn l spin.
At markets, in fairs.
My uncle has me seduce the naïïve.
That's how l live, off fables and dreams.
Fables, dreams. Thank you, Adeline.
And here's a gift for you.
What now?
lf they're asking for it!
Don't take on everybody just because you swallowed my twaddle.
Where are the ladies?
Saved. By him.
Alone?
Arrest him, and the girl!
They stole this jewel.
We saw it all. She speaks the truth.
He saved them. That's why the Marquise gave him
that brooch.
ln that case...
Did you say Marquise?
La Pompadour and the King's daughter.
- Mme. la Pompadour! - The King's daughter!
- What bliss! - What woe!
Just say, l won't marry you, Sergeant.
And you don't marry.
But l remain a maiden.
With your beauty, you have your pick of men.
Would you marry me, a gypsy orphan,
without schooling or dowry?
Yes, but you know l'm engaged to someone.
The King's daughter! Not that twaddle again!
l made it up, l said!
Sure. Maybe you did.
But it's all come true. You just triggered it.
Your gift! Give me your hand.
That fellow gave it to me to save his hide.
- Their chief. - No, just a stroller picking mushrooms.
- The fool took me for a brigand. - You really are blind!
The man in black arranged the attack. l'm sure of it!
You read his palm?
Take it, war booty! You can't refuse.
l'll keep it.
ln memory of you.
Sell it to pay back your fiancé.
What fiancé?
He's not my fiancé!
The wench!
Too religious!
lt smells of myrrh, incense! lt smells of tea!
l'm not pleased!
You hate the army and Aquitaine.
And maybe even music?
Auditions tonight, after grub!
Where are my new recruits?
Right behind me, sir!
But what an adventure!
The forest, bandits...
30 of them... 50!
l cut them all down to size!
Tell me all about it!
l started with their leader because...
- A bugle call for my men's dinner? - Grub, Sire.
Grub, of course.
As commander, l'll have my grub with them. My eggs!
The King's eggs!
l'm itching for a fight. Have you found a good location?
A Great Battle needs a name that will go down in History.
- Strategic points are under study. - Strategic, indeed.
l suggest a site the enemy agreed on. lt has a nice ring.
Waterloo?
Flat. Dismal. Dreary. A dreary plain.
We'll find it eventually. Set the day, too.
- Lower, Sire. - Lower, where?
l fear a leak.
Leak?
A traitor. ln our midst.
- You? - Sire...
- Don't frighten me. - The King's eggs! Make way!
Make way! His Majesty's eggs!
This one.
That one.
And this one... No, that one!
Then again, no. Take them away.
That traitor killed my appetite. l detest traitors. l want him!
Mr. Corsini, you know my suite best.
- lnvestigate. - Very well, Sire.
- One clever move is to... - Enough! l'm worn out.
But l want my battle by Thursday, Wednesday morning would be perfect.
Another bugle? Dessert time?
Assembly, Sire. At the Aquitaine camp.
The new recruits, bringing our army to 47,000 men, as Your Majesty wished.
Fine! That's fine! 47,000, that's perfect.
Recall my eggs, my appetite's back.
The King's eggs!
l'm your colonel.
Aimé-Bonaventure-Clodion-Dominique de La Houlette.
A colonel is a regiment's father...
who loves his children: He doesn't spare the rod.
Buttocks out!
Sergeant Fier-a-Bras will drill you.
So you're the one!
Be nice to Adeline, sir, or else...
Who said that?
Who spoke out?
- You're gauche with her. - Step out!
Excuse me.
- Name? Number? - One moment.
So it was you Sgt. La Franchise rescued?
l shan't deign to punish the protégé
of my best recruiter.
Sir, he lacked respect...
Just some friendly advice.
Show some kindness.
My suggestion, exactly.
A rookie! l won't let a yardbird step on my toes!
Kind words and flowers.
lt won't help your looks, but...
- Silence! - Yes, silence. Set an example.
Step forward. Smile.
Fine teeth.
Healthy gums. Well-set ears.
Turn.
Lovely neck. l like it.
l'm a neck man.
Soldiers, we must buckle down. The battle is near.
A battle means corpses.
l want faultless corpses:
well-groomed, clean-shaven, boots polished!
Corpses that honor the regiment.
With a smile!
Sergeant, over to you!
At attention, chin up, eyes front, chest and shoulders like mine!
Left turn, march!
- ls this it, Papa? - Yes, pup.
Basic exercise the march! Ready left foot,
bend,
point, step.
Bend, point, step!
Point, flapjaw!
Step it up!
Show some spirit!
You milksops!
Watch the leaves!
So, flapjaw! Keeping it shut now?
The bigger, the limper!
When you enlist, you persist!
On guard! Attack!
So, flapjaw, nothing to say?
About face!
What a bunch of yardbirds!
Speed up!
Close the circle!
The sword is your friend. Keep it polished and honed.
The blade should slice paper by its weight alone.
The musket is the dragoon's friend. Be good to it.
At 40 toises it should hit...
...A leaf falling in a gentle breeze.
Who said to laugh?
l'll whip you wimps into shape!
Present arms!
Shoulder arms!
Order arms!
Down on one knee!
Raise the knee. Down.
Kneeling position. Prone position.
Up! Kneel!
Prone!
Up!
Sit! Stand! Prone!
Just as l expected! What are you doing, you?
l'm leaving.
Sorry.
l've tried, but l dislike your game.
l don't like your voice, your ears, or your manners.
ln fact, l don't like any of this. So why go on?
Back into line!
My poor fellow, l just got out.
You refuse to obey orders?
Mutiny! Abandoning post!
- lnsulting an officer! - Beware l have witnesses!
Father-in-law will know.
- Who? - The King. l marry his daughter.
The King's daughter?
Adeline's prediction!
Tranche-Montagne,
lock him up!
You call that music?
Out of my sight and hearing!
You, to the kitchens!
All the way from the Mississippi,
and they just think of having fun!
What a neck!
Put yourself in my shoes.
Personally, l'd decorate you. But he wants you in jail.
- l have a long arm. - He has a strong arm, to kill!
And l have a family to feed.
A fine brood.
The finest this regiment or any other has ever seen!
The place is yours.
La Franchise runs the mess-chest.
You can buy tobacco, wine, meats.
Or else it's scraps.
The stench makes even the pigs puke!
Buy me the best you have.
Keep the change.
- You act like a prince. - l'm practicing.
lt's on the way.
Practical exercise fording a river.
Muskets over head!
First and second ranks forward!
On one leg!
The other!
So you found her!
l was worried.
- Release! Shut up! - Which is it?
Shut up, you! Release, her!
4 days in the stir!
Fall out!
l said Fall out!
Take this to the prisoner.
Why not?
l have to make dinner and warm the baby's bottle.
- l'm not the maid. - And me? lt's not fair.
Too bad for the prisoner. He's clean-cut,
pleasant, witty... A handsome fellow, to boot.
- What's his name? - You don't know him.
He claims to be a prince,
and defied guess-who.
Leave it.
Go warm that bottle.
Magnificent.
She's magnificent.
- l've been offered a fortune. - Mine!
That was a reservation fee.
- l'll reimburse you. - Not a cent!